Monday, 3 June 2013

The end of an ERA!!!

The rain drops trickling down my window sill, the whispering of the cool breeze, could have been the perfect starting of a day unless there hadn't been the pressure of the exam that I had to sit through. The anxiety of the "last exam" and the happiness that it would end soon, I don't know if everyone understands it, but if you ask an engineer, it is the greatest feeling to go out and start a new life.

5 O clock in the evening, the clouds storming on the head, the cool breeze passing, whispers something in my ears, the other other side of the story, the sad side, the side I always had in that conscious, but was never too sure if it was really true, the end of that significant period, the end of that 4 years of college life, I call it the end of an era.

The happiness of being independent had always been there, but the nostalgia brought upon me on that moment, led me to a deep thought of those perfect moments, the moments that couldn't have been better.

The moments of the endless movie nights, the moments of that running around everywhere for nothing, the moments of that stress of exams, the moments of those endless laughters that one doesn't get that second to breathe, the moments of the love and the hatred, the ones with the tournaments, the loses and the wins, the ones with no money but still eating stomach full on friends money, the ones with the hostel people kicking the birthday boys, the ones with the dogs, the endless hours just spent in plain and simple gossip, then endless hours of joy!!!

45 minutes I sat and looked at the clouds passing by, and I saw them change every second.
Change that was said to be constant, suddenly made more sense than ever. The change I was going through,was something similiar to that first day I came here, far from home, to find myself a future.

 And staring at those black sky, a drop falls on me, a small drop, in my eye, bringing me back to reality. Looking at that tall building, and the happy faces coming out, I smiled and sit there in between the crowd, waiting for the faces that gave me those perfect moments.

And out of all, a small girl, my age, came out jumping with the biggest smile ever, "how was your paper?" "this was the most awesome paper I have written in my life."

Coming out my thoughts I succumbed to the world outside my head, still thinking, when next she ask me that question again, when again will she tell me how awesome her paper had been.

Looking at her, embracing her in a hug, I again looked at the sky, the clouds still moving, still changing.

I realised this era has ended, the roles have changed, its time to take responsibility, its time to give back what I have learned, its time to understand change, its time to get into the race again!!!


Wednesday, 29 May 2013

The biggest fear!!!

"Fear cuts deeper than swords"

 Every now and then I read that the biggest fear in one's life is the fear of fear itself. Some people fear death, but poets say, there is no fear in dying, there is fear of that panic before you die.

I often think what is it that I fear the most?
What is it that I always run from.
And when I see myself answering that question, it isn't death for me, it isn't that fear of falling from a great height or from getting drowned in the deep water, it has always been the fear of injustice.

Fear of being rejected by unfair means, not getting results of my hard work. Fear of being loved less by anyone who I have loved all my life, whom I have given all that I could have. Fear of not getting respect that I have worked for.

You may be thinking that this cannot be a fear, it might be a mere hatred, everyone has it, nobody wants people to be unfair to them.

And when it come to all this injustice, words like "fate", "luck" come into picture, and I, who used to work hard for every single thing my life, who never believed in any supreme power, who believed if you give everything you have for something, you will get it and now I am in a point of life, where I believe whatever you do has something to do with fate or luck or something that the one supreme power indulges into it. I am not saying that the supreme power is GOD, by no means it is GOD, cause there is no GOD. That supreme power is something that at the end determines the result, it maybe godly for someone and evil for the others.

In life, to have so many setbacks where you have worked enough that you start to think probably it is not the work that matters, develops a fear in my mind, that maybe it isn't my work, maybe it is not who are present here that matter, maybe its the fate who just distributes the gold, the silver and the bronze to anyone it likes.

And now at some point of my life I find it very hard to work for what I want  in my life, that depression comes when at the very first step you see a person not worthy enough being decorated with all the precious stones and jewels. But as the wise philosophers say, never stop working, I do my work, I complete my part of the effort, but that "hope", which is supposed to the best thing in the world, has died.

I have developed a constant fear in my mind that refrains me to take every small step, a constant fear of the unknown, of injustice!!!

That hope which used to give me strength, has died
But hope is good thing,
That hope which used to give me dreams, has died
But hope is a good thing,
That hope which encouraged me to win the world, has died
But hope is a good thing,

And since hope is a good thing, I am trying my best for it to resurrect
I am trying my best to put forward the best work,
I am still trying,
And I will keep trying,
Till the soul dies!!!

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." 
If there was a GOD, and I was him, I'll be just!!!

Sunday, 26 May 2013

A different Realization

"un dhundhli aankhon se dekha tow ek naya ehsaas hua, laga ki jannat zyada door nahi hai"

2 O clock in the morning, half drunk, without my glasses I went to the window for some cool air and realized I have never had this perspective in my entire life. The perspective to have everything unclear. for everything to be messy, to not recognise which color it is, instead to just look at the beauty of the undefined mixture that life has presented to you.To not know what is there for you in future.
The rain had just finished and without my glasses it all looked one, one beautiful view in which i couldn't separate anything, and the fragrance of the wet mud couldn't let me leave the window.
Sitting by the window sill i realized why do I need a plan of everything, why couldn't my life be like the messy view, very unclear and still be very beautiful and something I would love to stay in.
Why all the different parts of my life be one, whether its my work, my play or my relationships, one messy beautiful life!!!

Then my tired body brought me back to the bed, the cozy bed and yet I couldn't sleep, maybe because I thought now I have opened the secret to a new life, may be I ll be a new born tomorrow, may be when I wake up, the sun will be brighter and the sky more blue and all in the same one messy beautiful sky!!!

And then thinking of the new ways to create one beautiful life, I slept, I slept like a baby and woke up to start up my new life, to see the brightest sun, to see the blue skies, and I set aside the curtains to look, to see the most cloudy sky ever.

The clouds everywhere, the most messy it could be, it looked like the sky dint need the sun, the sky doesn't need the blue,  it is always beautiful. I realized

"jo soch thi ye meri, jannat ke paas aane ki, ab puri ho gayi, na paisa kamana pada, na gadi khareedni padi, bas zarurat thi us dhundhli nazar ki, jo jannat mere zehen mein aa gayi"!!!